Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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