weddingsv make me drug and hornr
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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