This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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