he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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