Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
