Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
