my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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