dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
