I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize