I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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