i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
