Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
