I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My feet surprised me
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