if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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