dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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