I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
