i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
