i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just had sex on a roof
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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