They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
