oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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