That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
