So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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