Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
third nipple confirmed
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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