I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
