we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
