Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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