You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
