What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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