Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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