apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
