My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
