The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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