dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
