just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
