I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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