dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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