my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
