You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
