nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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