I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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