I accidentally had phone sex last night
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
