Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sorry about my life...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
