apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Randomize