This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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