i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
