I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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