He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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