I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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