Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
