I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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