my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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