I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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