party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
