I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
