She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
