He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
