There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
