yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
